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This warning appears on a plastic bag used to hold an item I got as a "gift" when I bought some Omaha Steaks
steaks. My first complaint is about all the "free gifts" that are offered. If it's not free then by
definition it's not a gift. If it's a gift, then by definition it's free, so "free" is redundant -- useful
to advertisers as a way to fool you, but redundant nevertheless. My second complaint has to do with whether such
free gifts really are free. 20% more
hippo chow for free! Call in the next thirty seconds and we'll throw in
a second can of spray-on hair for free! Buy this pair and receive
a mail-in coupon for a
free shoelace! Or see a real one
here. The managers of the companies running such promotions are not offering you anything for free,
they're simply trying to entice you into buying their product by telling you a lie. The fact is, the cost of
the supposedly free gifts is, of course, already accounted for, or if it isn't the managers of those companies
should be fired. The truth would be more like this: We want to get more people to buy our
products,
and we've learned that sometimes we can fool you better
if we pretend to offer something for free
rather than lowering our price by what those so-called gifts cost us
to purchase and store and package and transport! The people in the marketing departments at Ralston Purina and
Popeil and Nike are not idiots. Indeed, you may be sure they're very good at what they do, and if I owned
stock in those companies that's just the way I'd want it. I'd want them trying really hard to fool millions
of you into buying something you wouldn't have bought but for their manipulation of your mind. And I myself,
of course, would want to be immune. My third complaint is about how they say the bag should not be used in
"cribs, beds, carriages and playpens." Of course they should have said "or playpens."
Fourth, it's mildly amusing that they recommend against destorying the bag. But none of the above is why I
brought you this scan of a plastic bag. Here's why. If you remember, or if you scroll up and look you'll
see that, the last warning reads as follows: OPENING WITH SHARP OBJECT
MAY DAMAGE THE PRODUCT. So, what product came in this bag, a product that might be damaged if I use, say, a
paring knife to slit open the bag it's in? Is it a gross of condoms? An envelope of anthrax? A
human heart? Nope, it's a product that is designed specifically for the
sole purpose of being able to withstand being cut upon by a sharp
object. It's a kitchen cutting board. |
