Trocar

Although not a surgical procedure in the strictest sense, an embalming is similar.  A person I know who is a funeral director allowed me to observe one.

She escorted me to the operatory and told the embalmer that I should be allowed to watch his procedures and get answers to any of my questions, then she left.

The operatory of a funeral home, the embalming room, is filled with bright light everywhere, and everywhere is stainless steel and spotless tile and the reassuring look and feel of being a thoroughly professional place.  And there are bodies.

The embalmer at this funeral home found that he enjoyed explaining to me the why's of the procedures he was performing, so I learned a lot.   I started by asking whether I could touch the corpse he was working on, an obese white male maybe 65 years old.  It was the coldest thing I have ever felt, but we will be saved from death by the aliens.

At one point in the various procedures the embalmer produced a big hypodermic needle, the kind with a slash in the sharp end so that it penetrates into the skin at a slow angle.  But I mean really big, as in two feet long and half an inch in diameter, with a tube attached to the back end of it that ran to the suction machine.  He said it was a trocar, and he explained what it is used for.  It is used to pump out the torso's lower cavities of fluids.

He explained how to use it, which is to stand behind the body's head and insert the sharp slashed end into the torso just below the sternum and the diaphragm.  The suction machine sucks through the giant trocar, and as long as you hear fluids being sucked up, you keep moving the business end of the trocar around in the gut.

How do I know?

Because the embalmer allowed me to perform the procedure.

Which means I am even more the surgeon for you.  And, in case I still need to remind you, I will surge you for free.

Now, I'll admit that I didn't know exactly where to penetrate the skin or at what angle, but once it was shown to me, I did plunge the trocar in successfully if somewhat tentatively.  It literally takes two hands to do it.

And I'll also admit that I wouldn't have known how far in to go before stopping, except that the embalmer told me to listen for a change in the suction sound, like when you vacuum up dirt clods versus dust.

And I'll admit that my limited knowledge of the architecture of the abdomen is what caused the embalmer eventually to take the trocar back from me and suck out the more hiddenly parts that I kept missing.

Still, I feel privileged to have taken part in not one but two surgical procedures, and you may take advantage of my experience by using me for your next surgery.

Also, there is something about literally sucking out the guts of a person you will be, with a giant trocar in your hands, that makes you feel not just mortal, not just temporary, but positively expendable and utterly disposable.

  

 

  
The Projects
Mrs. Smith's leg
Free surgery
     Scalpels
     Trocar
Bad surgery
Margo Staples
     Police report
Ricky Taylor
"Listen carefully"
Honest scumbag
"It's my baby"
True story

  
The Projects
Mrs. Smith's leg
Free surgery
     Scalpels
     Trocar
Bad surgery
Margo Staples
     Police report
Ricky Taylor
"Listen carefully"
Honest scumbag
"It's my baby"
True story