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Amazon Reviews

Several years ago Amazon invited me to join their Vine program, and as a result I have submitted many reviews.  I take a different approach to Amazon reviews in the sense that I use them to rashly spread my literary wings in a place where almost no one will see them and where I don't care what any of my readers think.  This means of expressing myself is selfish in that I don't always try really hard to review the product in question as much as I have fun with this insignificant outlet for my silly.

Also, occasionally I delve into the details of some pretty simple math that way too many people don't understand.  Math is good.

Amazon allows readers to leave comments about a particular review, and I treasure some of the comments mine have received.  I appreciate the comments that say nice things, of course, but the ones that slam me are the most precious.

Here's one example, in chronological order, all verbatim, about the same product.

remove  (Edited)  review
after re-reading your comments and updates,I have concluded there is more than one NUT at issue on this page.
anyone mentionig cutting up hamsters and such,shouldn't be on this page.

cartoon lover
Thank you for posting the most silliest and unhelpful review that I have ever read on Amazon.

Christine Kari   14 days ago [August 20, 2017]
I so appreciated your meticulous investigations and your humor (which apparently went over a few heads.)  You remind me of some of my favorite newspaper column writers.  It would not surprise me if you do articles also.  Delightful writing style!

Below are several more comments.  With the most insignificant of exceptions they are all rendered verbatim.  The sender is in bold face and the review that engendered it is a link.  Below the happy comments are the ones that say how bad my Amazon reviews are.  These are more interesting.

Susan Donker  review
Loved the humore in the post!

Garden of Life  review
Hi there,
. . .

Personally, I can't continue this response any further without thanking you for being such a pioneer in the the area of mykind Gummy elasticity research, and also for shedding light on this much overlooked topic.  (As with all three foot linoleum floor elasticity tests, we encourage our customers to test responsibly and use discretion regarding post-elasticity test taste-testing in the event that linoleum surfaces are not 100% clean.)

However, we are really hoping that no hamsters were injured during the testing of our mykind Kids Gummies.  Because we care about hamsters everywhere, perhaps you could consider giving us that 5th star?

Thank you for your Vine Review.  Wishing you Extraordinary Health, Noelle K., Garden of Life

Jen O.  review
I came across your review for the Packit lunch bag and ended up reading more reviews solely for your humor.  Thanks!

cosmicmes  (Edited) review
Only four stars?  Bet it made your gums bleed!  LOL!  Very good review, know that your dry wit amused at least this reader, LOL!  PS, "tongue-in-cheek" must really go over people's heads these days, I can't believe that you were batting 0-4 before me!

[The "0-4" is a reference to the number of readers of a review who bothered to vote whether they like said review.  Until cosmicmes came along this review was negged by four readers.  My reviews get a remarkably high number of negatives, but neither Amazon in general nor Vine in particular seems to mind.  Perversely, I am just a little bit proud of how many negs I get.]

m  review
Funny lol  If this guy isn't a writer he should be!!!!

SS Justice  review
This is the most awesome review I've ever read - anywhere!

Kellie Jones Palon  review
Best review ever!

Garland R.  review
While it is clear you were attempting to be as clear, concise, and brief as possible in your review, I felt that neglecting to add the following Natalie Portman quote totally emasculates the finer points of the review itself, to wit, "Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women."

I believe my point is made.

Thank you, sir, and good day.

I said, Good day, sir!

[Even though I don't understand the first paragraph, this is my second favorite comment because of the next three.]

julie ann keene  review

Mom  review
OK I've stayed up way to late reading your reviews and laughing till I have tears in my eyes!  What a fantastic sense of humor you have!  And I will definitely be steering clear of those inedible "spice" towels!  Thank you

renlil  review
Although I'm terribly upset that my GBC HeatSeal QuickStart H320 Pouch Laminator jammed when it clearly reads on the box "jam-free,"  I am very happy to have found your user review.  I have since gone on to read other reviews that were equally helpful.  I am particularly interested in purchasing the The Westcott TrimAir Guillotine Wood Trimmer with Microban Protection for my extensive Genoa salami and dry pepperoni stock.  Thank you kindly, My Fake Name, for your persistent altruism in sharing your thoughts regarding Amazon purchases.

J. Joyce  review
Great review, and thanks for the laughs

SWill  review
Best review ever.

love it (the review)

B. Spivey
OMG, that's an awesome review.  A nice laugh to relax before bed time.  I read bits out loud to hubby and he enjoyed it as well.  Thanks :)

My hubby bought this ALL because of your review. :D

[The comment from PrincessZorkon is my favorite so far (as of September of 2017), and I still choose to believe it's true.]

C.C. Roberts, Ph.D.  review
You are a hoot.  Needed that today!  Thanks!
I'm BUYING this vacuum now since the elephant wouldn't do well in my four-story house.

Florida Guy  review
Best. Review. Ever.

Can I borrow your water column (mine is only 30 stories high)?  Great review; you must have had quite a fun time writing it, and hopefully you were enjoying your new watch the entire time.  Happy holidays, and good luck to you and your watch.

Great review, you had me laughing but it was also educational : )

Maxwell Edison  review
This is one of the best reviews I've ever read on Amazon.  All the things a review should do, this one does.  Very helpful.

Jmaynard 6 years ago
Fantastic, thorough review!

OutlawPoet  review
LOL - seriously - just LOL.  I had to read your review twice just to make sure what I was reading.  Then a third time for pure enjoyment!

V. Hosman  review
A most entertaining review, I must say.  It took a while to get to the part where you actually used the product, but the trip made me laugh. :)

Amazon Customer  (Edited) review
Most entertaining review I have ever read. :)

Below are the comments that say my Amazon reviews are bad.  I cherish these and wish there were more.

Amazon Customer  review
A whole lot of words very little info

T. Bealieu
After reading this booklet I'm left wondering what the point of it was. Honestly. Rather than reading a creative writing attempt / philosophical lecture I'd prefer to hear about THIS PUTTER. As you yourself admitted, evaluating a putter is entirely subjective. So, instead of being so subjective about the sport of golf and the proper way to test a putter, why not try to touch on more objective points? How about how well you thought the square alignment aid works, which is THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE CLUB! What about the "plastic face"? I just can't believe I had to read a story about a random round you had! ugh.

My Fake Name In reply to an earlier post
T. Bealieu, thanks for taking the time to comment on my booklet.  The point was to review the putter, honestly.  But also to entertain and maybe educate.  And also to stretch my writing wings in a tiny forum where no one's criticism matters to me, at least not yet.

You complain I did not touch on objective points such as the alignment feature and the material the striking surface is made of yet I DID touch on both those points.  If you think I did not discuss those characteristics in great enough detail, it's good for me and a lot of other reviewers that we don't have to meet your standards.  What exactly else did you hope I would say about those two things?  As you'll also see, I discussed pretty much EVERY OTHER objective factor there is to discuss about a putter.  Which means your first complaint is groundless, which makes one wonder why you would make such a complaint to begin with, one that could be so easily proved meritless.

Your main complaint, though, seems to be the sheer length of my review.  It appears you read it all (although not carefully enough, apparently) and were disappointed.  You are not the first to complain about how long certain of my Amazon reviews are.  I will not change the length of future reviews to suit you because I don't care what you think on the matter (and I note that many of your own reviews are quite brief compared to mine), but I do have a tip for you that I have passed on to others so you aren't disappointed again: Quickly scroll through each review I write to see whether it's longer than you want, and if it is then don't read it.  Also, somewhere you can click on Ignore This Customer or something like that and you'll never even have to bother with the scrolling part.

But I hope you don't do that; instead I hope you will take the time to make comments on each and every one of my reviews, both future and past, because it's comments such as yours that I so cherish.

Finally, you refer to my story of the kid and his Be-Back Shot as a random round.  The whole point is that it was not a random round, it was carefully chosen because it made my point so well that no one should take up golf.  If that connection escaped you then you should have paid more attention to the title I gave this review.

S  review
Jesus Christ.

pimanracing  review
This has to be the stupidest review I've ever seen on Amazon...

My Fake Name In reply to an earlier post
If you really think so, pimanracing, then you haven't read any of my other Amazon reviews.  They're ALL stupider.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for reading my review at all, and especially for taking the time to express your opinion of it.  I wish more readers like you would do so.

To the Post  review
Hope you have a day job.  Comedy is not your gift!!

[To the Post is right, comedy is hard.]

To see all my Amazon reviews go here, where you may sort by reverse chronological order or by most recent comments.

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