Several years ago Amazon invited me to join their Vine program, and
as a result I have submitted many reviews. I take a different
approach to Amazon reviews in the sense that I use them to rashly spread my
literary wings in a place where almost no one will see them and where I
don't care what any of my readers think. This means of
expressing myself is selfish in that I don't always try
really hard to review the product in question as much as I have fun
with this insignificant outlet for my silly.
Also, occasionally I delve into the details of some pretty simple
math that way too many people don't understand. Math is good.
Amazon allows readers to leave comments about a particular review,
and I treasure some of the comments mine have received. I
appreciate the comments that say nice things, of course, but the
ones that slam me are the most precious.
Here's one example, in chronological order, all verbatim, about the
after re-reading your comments and updates,I have concluded there is
more than one NUT at issue on this page.
anyone mentionig cutting up hamsters and such,shouldn't be on this
Thank you for posting the most silliest and unhelpful review that I
have ever read on Amazon.
Christine Kari 14 days ago [August 20, 2017]
I so appreciated your meticulous investigations and your humor
(which apparently went over a few heads.) You remind me of some of
my favorite newspaper column writers. It would not surprise me if
you do articles also. Delightful writing style!
Below are several more comments. With the most
insignificant of exceptions they are all rendered verbatim. The sender is in bold
face and the review that engendered it is a link. Below
the happy comments are the ones that say how bad my Amazon reviews are.
These are more interesting.
Loved the humore in the post!
Garden of Life
. . .
Personally, I can't continue this response any further without
thanking you for being such a pioneer in the the area of mykind
Gummy elasticity research, and also for shedding light on this
much overlooked topic. (As with all three foot linoleum
floor elasticity tests, we encourage our customers to test
responsibly and use discretion regarding post-elasticity test
taste-testing in the event that linoleum surfaces are not 100%
However, we are really hoping that no hamsters were injured
during the testing of our mykind Kids Gummies. Because we
care about hamsters everywhere, perhaps you could consider
giving us that 5th star?
Thank you for your Vine Review. Wishing you Extraordinary
Health, Noelle K., Garden of Life
I came across your review for the Packit lunch bag and ended up
reading more reviews solely for your humor. Thanks!
Only four stars? Bet it made your gums bleed! LOL!
Very good review, know that your dry wit amused at least this
reader, LOL! PS, "tongue-in-cheek" must really go over
people's heads these days, I can't believe that you were batting
0-4 before me!
[The "0-4" is a reference to the number of readers of a
review who bothered to vote whether they like said review.
Until cosmicmes came along this review was negged by four
readers. My reviews get a remarkably high number of
negatives, but neither Amazon in general nor Vine in particular
seems to mind. Perversely, I am just a little bit proud of
how many negs I get.]
Funny lol If this guy isn't a writer he should be!!!!
This is the most awesome review I've ever read - anywhere!
Kellie Jones Palon
Best review ever!
While it is clear you were attempting to be as clear, concise,
and brief as possible in your review, I felt that neglecting to
add the following Natalie Portman quote totally emasculates the
finer points of the review itself, to wit, "Smart women love
smart men more than smart men love smart women."
I believe my point is made.
Thank you, sir, and good day.
I said, Good day, sir!
[Even though I don't understand the first paragraph, this is my second favorite comment
because of the next three.]
julie ann keene
OK I've stayed up way to late reading your reviews and laughing
till I have tears in my eyes! What a fantastic sense of
humor you have! And I will definitely be steering clear of
those inedible "spice" towels! Thank you
Although I'm terribly upset that my GBC HeatSeal QuickStart H320
Pouch Laminator jammed when it clearly reads on the box
"jam-free," I am very happy to have found your user review.
I have since gone on to read other reviews that were equally
helpful. I am particularly interested in purchasing the
The Westcott TrimAir Guillotine Wood Trimmer with Microban
Protection for my extensive Genoa salami and dry pepperoni
stock. Thank you kindly, My Fake Name, for your persistent
altruism in sharing your thoughts regarding Amazon purchases.
Great review, and thanks for the laughs
Best review ever.
love it (the review)
OMG, that's an awesome review. A nice laugh to relax
before bed time. I read bits out loud to hubby and he
enjoyed it as well. Thanks :)
My hubby bought this ALL because of your review. :D
[The comment from PrincessZorkon is my favorite so far (as of
September of 2017), and I still choose to believe it's true.]
C.C. Roberts, Ph.D.
You are a hoot. Needed that today! Thanks!
I'm BUYING this vacuum now since the elephant wouldn't do well
in my four-story house.
Best. Review. Ever.
Can I borrow your water column (mine is only 30 stories high)?
Great review; you must have had quite a fun time writing it, and
hopefully you were enjoying your new watch the entire time.
Happy holidays, and good luck to you and your watch.
Great review, you had me laughing but it was also educational :
Maxwell Edison review
This is one of the best reviews I've ever read on Amazon.
All the things a review should do, this one does. Very
Jmaynard 6 years ago
Fantastic, thorough review!
LOL - seriously - just LOL. I had to read your review
twice just to make sure what I was reading. Then a third
time for pure enjoyment!
A most entertaining review, I must say. It took a while to
get to the part where you actually used the product, but the
trip made me laugh. :)
Amazon Customer (Edited)
Most entertaining review I have ever read. :)
Below are the comments that say my Amazon reviews are bad.
I cherish these and wish there were more.
A whole lot of words very little info
After reading this booklet I'm left wondering what the point of
it was. Honestly. Rather than reading a creative writing attempt
/ philosophical lecture I'd prefer to hear about THIS PUTTER. As
you yourself admitted, evaluating a putter is entirely
subjective. So, instead of being so subjective about the sport
of golf and the proper way to test a putter, why not try to
touch on more objective points? How about how well you thought
the square alignment aid works, which is THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE
CLUB! What about the "plastic face"? I just can't believe I had
to read a story about a random round you had! ugh.
My Fake Name In reply to an earlier post
T. Bealieu, thanks for taking the time to comment on my booklet.
The point was to review the putter, honestly. But also to
entertain and maybe educate. And also to stretch my
writing wings in a tiny forum where no one's criticism matters
to me, at least not yet.
You complain I did not touch on objective points such as the
alignment feature and the material the striking surface is made
of yet I DID touch on both those points. If you think I
did not discuss those characteristics in great enough detail,
it's good for me and a lot of other reviewers that we don't have
to meet your standards. What exactly else did you hope I
would say about those two things? As you'll also see, I
discussed pretty much EVERY OTHER objective factor there is to
discuss about a putter. Which means your first complaint
is groundless, which makes one wonder why you would make such a
complaint to begin with, one that could be so easily proved
Your main complaint, though, seems to be the sheer length of my
review. It appears you read it all (although not carefully
enough, apparently) and were disappointed. You are not the
first to complain about how long certain of my Amazon reviews
are. I will not change the length of future reviews to
suit you because I don't care what you think on the matter (and
I note that many of your own reviews are quite brief compared to
mine), but I do have a tip for you that I have passed on to
others so you aren't disappointed again: Quickly scroll through
each review I write to see whether it's longer than you want,
and if it is then don't read it. Also, somewhere you can
click on Ignore This Customer or something like that and you'll
never even have to bother with the scrolling part.
But I hope you don't do that; instead I hope you will take the
time to make comments on each and every one of my reviews, both
future and past, because it's comments such as yours that I so
Finally, you refer to my story of the kid and his Be-Back Shot
as a random round. The whole point is that it was not a
random round, it was carefully chosen because it made my point
so well that no one should take up golf. If that
connection escaped you then you should have paid more attention
to the title I gave this review.
This has to be the stupidest review I've ever seen on Amazon...
My Fake Name In reply to an earlier post
If you really think so, pimanracing, then you haven't read any
of my other Amazon reviews. They're ALL stupider.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for reading my review at all,
and especially for taking the time to express your opinion of
it. I wish more readers like you would do so.
To the Post
Hope you have a day job. Comedy is not your gift!!
[To the Post is right, comedy is hard.]
To see all my Amazon reviews go
here, where you may sort by reverse chronological order or
by most recent comments.